I'm gonna first tell about our day, because that's usually what people want to know when they open the link. Today was pretty uneventful . . . well, sorta. We didn't do much . . . just walked around town to try and find some more baby cereal and eat for the last time at KFC. Well, and the gelato. That's good stuff here.
There was one thing that was kinda interesting, though, as we were walking. I'm not sure what the deal was, but the Muslim temple, or synagogue, or whatever it is was jam packed today. Those prayer mats were all over the sidewalks. People just kept bringing them out. There were folks all over on their knees. All of a sudden, this, ummm, singing (? . . . sounded like an Indian rain dance to me) comes over the loudspeaker of the building. I'm telling you . . . probably 150-200 people just all over the sidewalks and at the entrance. They were all on their knees. I don't know much about that religion, but it was a major day, or hour, I don't know . . . something for them. I've just never seen anything like that before, so I had to get a picture . . .
And we got this today . . .
This means we're done. We get to go to the house now.
After we got back to the room, I started packing. And let me tell you . . . I couldn't get my bags packed fast enough. I packed until I couldn't pack anymore, and then I sat down to write this will the little one plays in her crib.
So . . . rewind to around 7:00 AM this morning. This was when my eyes opened. Not that they hadn't been opened most of the night. I just can't sleep well here. But last night was bad. It took me forever to fall asleep, and then I kept waking up every 45 minutes or so. I knew when I woke up at 7 that this wasn't gonna be pretty. Maya was waking up, so I got all of her medicine ready and gave that to her, and then I made a bottle for her just knowing she had to be hungry by now. Well, she wasn't. Now I'm worried. I chalked up yesterday's famine episode to an effect from the vaccine, but she should've felt like eating today.
Now I'm frustrated. I finally just left the bottle in her mouth until she had no choice but to eat it. Eventually, she ate about half but she sure didn't want to. Craig was talking to me, but at this point I just couldn't talk back. Once Maya was settled, I put my face in my hands and I just cried.
Today was the day that adoption didn't feel good. Bulgaria didn't feel good, and I didn't feel good . . . at all.
I've always joked seriously (can I say that?) with people that there's virtually no privacy with my life. If you want to know, just ask. If you don't ask, I'll probably tell you anyway (Disclaimer: for those that have ever told me top secret info, don't worry. I don't tell YOUR stuff, just mine). With that in mind, I can't fake the stuff that isn't real. If I'm going to be transparent with the funny, likable stuff, I need to be transparent with the stuff that's not so pretty.
I love adoption. My boys were adopted domestically, and now we've completed an international adoption with Maya. I am 100%, absolutely, positively sure that this is God's plan for our life, and I'm also 100%, absolutely, positively sure that Maya was meant to be our little girl . . . to be part of our family.
But this isn't easy. Gosh, no. Honestly, I thought it was going to be. You know, with me being a family doctor (now y'all know what I mean . . . my family. I can do it all for my own. And I probably could with your family, too, but unfortunately I haven't been to medical school. But I do love the whole doctor world) , a mother, and with 14 years of experience under my belt, I should be able to handle every little aspect of life as a domestic engineer (I have MANY professions). But this is HARD. Trying to get used to the way this little person lives is eating me up. She's cute, sometimes she's happy, and I happen to LOVE the fact that she has Down Syndrome. But, she's living with me, and I don't know her. We're working on it, but I don't always know how to make her happy when she cries. Half the time, she pushes me away when I try and hold her. I'm trying to understand her personality, and I know she's trying to understand mine, too. I don't know right now exactly why she needs all this medicine. I'm trusting something that complete strangers have told us. I have no idea what's wrong with her heart. Hopefully, we'll have some answers on Monday, but right now, we're in a strange place. What if something were to happen before we get home? Where in the world would we go? Who would we call? Do I really know infant CPR like I thought I did? These are all questions that bombarded my mind this morning, and really have before. The weight of everything this morning was more than I could take. That combined with being more exhausted than I've probably ever been. That combined with the fact that my family and everyone I love is back home. That combined with the fact that I NEED my other kids. I need them so very badly right now. This morning, I had to cry . . . for a long time. I was really questioning my ability to do this at 7 AM this morning.
Mikki posted a blog earlier this week that has crossed my mind several times. I mean, how many times to I need to sing 'Jesus Loves Me' to remind myself that when I'm weak . . . at 7 AM . . . he is STRONG? Craig reminded me of this earlier today It was a statement that said I wasn't all by myself. I have Craig, whose arms have been exactly what I needed when I just had to feel sad for a while. But I have the Creator of all things living inside of me. Being STRONG, when I can't be strong anymore. It was such a simple statement, but there's so much truth behind it. I'm NOT alone. I have unlimited access to the one who is absolutely strong when I'm weak, tired, drained, frustrated, and feel ill-equipped.
I've done the whole crying-out thing more than once this week. Sometimes God has just felt far away. That's bad when you feel like you're in a place where he's led, but you've been 'dropped off' to deal with come-what-may.
Is this what Abraham felt like when he lifted his knife to slay his son? If this what Job felt like when he was being faithful to the One whom he desired to obey? Friends, we desire to obey. No matter how hard it seems, I DESIRE TO OBEY. I desire to love, protect, fight for, and nurture this sweet little girl that now bears our last name. I desire to know her, to know her habits, to know what she needs, and to know that I have a love for her that is strong and never-ending.
This is the story of adoption. This is the transparency of Paige. I said in an earlier blog that I just want to get home and begin life again. Life with another Stewart, and life with a little girl whose potential to grow, learn, and develop is limitless. I can't wait to watch her walk, to hear her first word, to see her eat her first bite of real food, and I especially can't wait to see her reach for me, because she knows that I'm her mama, and because she just needs her mama.
If you're one that might be considering adoption, this shouldn't scare you away. Please don't let it. I know that our picture is just beginning to be painted. Heck, I think that the canvas has just been brought out and placed on the easel. Lots of things are hard, but totally worth the initial struggle. I know we are blessed, and I know that we are loved and held by our Heavenly Father. Our lives will never, ever be the same, but I can't help but believe that because God has led us here, we'll never want to go back.
The artist has just picked up the brush, and the smile on his face indicates that he's making something beautiful . . .
Love,
Paige
Wow....this post touched my heart! Anybody who wants us to believe that it is all sunshine and roses....well....that is not true life. I so admire what you are doing and will pray for you and your new little girl!
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