But I'm not so sure you should get used to it. Things the last three weeks or so have gone so crazy, that I've begun to question the basic things I thought I knew the answer to. Things like, "are these my socks?" , and "how did the butter end up in the bathroom cabinet?" are common types of questions that we hear on a daily basis now. And I really don't know how to answer those things, because people, I have lost it.
Sanity.
I literally tossed it about three weeks ago.
I'm realizing that craziness and chaos are what is going to consume this family for the next decade. DECADE. At least.
Things have gotten hard. Really hard. There is NO time to sit down. EVER. We live every day literally completing one task only to start on another, and we're just plain worn out.
Maya's eating took a nose dive. She was doing so well the last time I wrote a blog post, but then she just stopped, and we have no clue as to what happened. It was like the spoon terrified her again, and we were getting nowhere fast. The frustration over this was about to eat us alive. How could she do it one day, and then seem like she'd never done it at all the next? And how in the world do you start all over in trying to teach somebody how to just simply swallow? These are things that we all take so forgranted. Just eating. Maya doesn't yet have the cognition to just be able to eat, and its so incredibly hard to try and teach her when all she wants to do is shoot it back out. I can't tell you how many times I've just broken down completely and SOBBED over this. We're still in the process of coming back out of the cave on this issue, but the last few days have been better. We think we've found a routine that seems to work for now, so until that turns into roadkill we'll keep doing what works for now.
Things with the other kids have been at a non-stop pace, too. Ryan has had football stuff every day, he and Gavin have gone back and forth to their dad's, doctor's appointments for everybody, we've all had this cruddy allergy/sinus stuff . . . seriously. Just nonstop SOMETHING all of the time.
There was one day that I just literally BROKE. I was tired, I hadn't even carried on a conversation with my sweet husband the whole week, and stuff was breaking all over the place. I sat on Ryan's bed and just wept while my mom listened. That was truly my point of despair.
This is all so hard. We feel like we had kinda breezed through the first couple of months of bringing Maya home. But then everything started happening at once and 'the way it is' wasn't the way we really wanted it to be. Something had to change, because if it didn't we were going to literally end up in a heap on top of each other.
I was able to regroup and refocus. Around the same time this happened, when I was questioning everything about what we had done (don't judge . . . y'all know I tell it all), I got notification that one of the little boys I had specifically prayed for in Bulgaria had died. In his same institution, in his same crib, with no one. He had died, and God reminded me all over again why we did what we did.
He reminded me again that this task he sent us to accomplish wasn't going to be an easy one. We thought we realized this in our heads, but once we began to put LIFE into practice, it started getting difficult. Everything about it was squeezing us, and what was coming out wasn't what should've been.
Since that point, things have been on the upswing. As I said before, Maya's eating is getting a little better. But we know, now, that it could bottom out all over again. We're prepared, and we're not gonna fight her this time. We'll wait until she's ready again and start over. Football for TCHS is almost over. Maya is scheduled to have surgery on her eyes November 1st to open up both tear ducts, but after that and a follow-up, hopefully we'll be done with doctor's appointments for a while. Craig and I have made it a point that, at least every couple of weeks, we need to get out by ourselves for a real date. Its hard to remember to do that when things are so fast paced, but its a priority. So whether there's technically money for a babysitter in the budget or not, we're headed out to hold hands and be mushy for a while.
We had a great day today. My mom and I loaded up the little kids, along with John William and Eli, and we went to the Barnyard for a little field trip. The weather was beautiful and there was so much for them to do. I wasn't sure how Maya would do in an environment like this, but I think she had a great time. I took lots of pictures . . .
The pigs were definitely my favorite. Cutest. Things. Ever.
If it looks like Daisee was squeezing this defenseless chick to death, that's because she absolutely was. At one point, the poor thing couldn't even open its eyes because of the pressure of that sweet little hand of hers.
Maya liked the chick for 3.47 seconds . . .
Gavin loves this picture. Its his 'photo bomb' that cracks him up . . .
Hayride . . .
And my favorite two pics . . .
This one below is definitely the picture of the day. A Maya first . . . this is what brings the smile to my face when I REMEMBER why God chose US . . .
Simple delight.
Just keep praying for all of us here. We know there will be ups and downs, but sometimes we just need these reminders.
Love to all,
Paige
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