I know.
I'm such a quitter. Its been foreverish since I wrote anything. Why? Because I have all these people to take care of. And things. And animals. That's not a complaint, its just a reason. I mean, I'm glad to have the reason, but there's just no time to sit and ponder, or write, or think, or look for baby chipmunks. (If you're lost now, read the latest FB post.) Life is just different. Good, but different.
So if there's this much going on, something must be of utmost importance for me to be able to squeeze out a few to sit and pour out my heart.
And there is. Something of great importance that I can't hold in anymore.
Last week, I watched a video that went viral on social media that's really changed my life. It was a video about a young man that's fighting a horrible skin disease that has left his body horribly wounded and scarred. He lives in constant pain every. single. day. Its a disease that doesn't leave much room for optimism, as most kids diagnosed with it don't live to see 25. If you watch the video, though, you'll find that this boy has an outlook on life that doesn't quite fit the profile of what he deals with. He smiles so much, and the way he views his life is filled with words of so much wisdom and maturity for a boy of his age. It leaves you walking away with a sense of inspiration and motivation, and it leaves you feeling like this young man is someone we should all look up to, regardless of our age or condition.
But as I listened to him talk, I began to wonder. What does his eternity look like? He's battled this horrible, painful disease throughout his entire life. Where does he get his sense of hope? I began scouring the internet to see what I could find about this boy. He spoke of his family as being his main source of strength and comfort. His mother, he says, is his nurse, his best friend, his helper...just, his mother. He draws what he needs from her presence, and you can see that he loves her so much. And she loves him. Absolutely adores him. He's obviously her reason to be able to get up and smile everyday. In my opinion, someone should split the Nobel Peace Prize down the middle and let this boy and his mama share it.
But, still. I needed to find something to fulfill my desire to know if this boy is, well, SAVED. Like, saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus. I wasn't able to find anything. I researched for a couple of days, and the more time I spent doing this, the more my mind started playing tricks on me. Or was it?
Monday was the day I first watched the video. By that night, I was in a struggle. It was close to 11 and I was already in bed, but I clearly felt the Lord directing me to a path that I haven't traveled that often. I've spoken to people in groups before, but there's only been very few times that I have shared Jesus with someone on a one-on-one type basis. That's a hard thing to admit, but most of y'all know I'm sometimes painfully honest and open, even when its not exactly the right thing to say.
I got up and found some contact information for this boy's mama, and I poured out my heart through the world wide web. I was able to share Jesus through my own experiences with heartache and hardship in written form. That method wasn't so bad, because its easier to deal with potential rejection if its not quite so personal. We've all experienced those difficult times, but particularly through our experience with the twins, I could identify with seeing your own flesh and blood suffer. I typed out what I wanted to say, then with my hand on the screen, I prayed and asked the Lord to bless those words and make them effective.
My hope was that my job was done, and it probably should've been. The problem was that I continued to let the thoughts in my mind fester. As the days of last week went on, I began to experience a fight like I never had before . . . ever. My sweet friend, Boots, later told me, "Girl you're experiencing some serious spiritual warfare, and you've gotta step back and stop playing God".
I was making up some horrible images in my head. I was thinking of this kid and his sweet mother constantly. It was literally consuming me and bringing me into a place I've never been. I began to cry almost daily for this family. I was in a horrible mood all the time with my own family. I knew I had done what God wanted me to do, but in my mind, it just wasn't enough. In my mind, what God may have for this boy may not be enough. I had already assumed his eternal future, and it wasn't what I thought it should be. Regardless of what this kid already believes or doesn't, in my mind, it wasn't right.
Everything came to blows Saturday night. I couldn't function anymore. I'm telling you, it was literally evil vs. good. The thoughts I had been having absolutely, 100% were not of God. Not even close. These thoughts of doubt came straight from the pit of Hell, and I couldn't overcome them anymore. I broke down and was in a complete tailspin, and told Craig that I was at a point that I couldn't handle it anymore.
He called my daddy. Most of y'all know that my daddy is a pastor. My daddy walked in my door that night armed with a love for me and the Word of God. He shared several verses of scripture with me and helped me to understand that no matter what good I intend to do, I can't grab the reins from Jesus. No matter how much I fear, or worry, or doubt, I'm not in control. He also reminded me that no matter how much good is in my heart, if I'm not vigilant, Satan can twist all of that good and turn it into something ugly if God isn't my focus in my attempts.
God wasn't in my focus. He was in the background somewhere, because my desire for this family to know Him is what started this whole thing. But he wasn't in control anymore.
Daddy said, "Read Phillipians 4:4-6." Know what it says? "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Peace. I was chock-full of anxious, and I needed peace.
He told me to read it, and I couldn't get through it once without tears again. Why? Because it brought relief. Burden-lifting peace. The fight was winding down. I could feel it. Those words brought peace, as only the mind and heart of Jesus can do.
He also shared Deuteronomy 29:29 with me: "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law."
I'm not gonna pretend that I know exactly what in the world this verse it talking about, but it clearly states that there's a lot of God and what He does that we don't know. Some things we do, but you can be sure that He's got a secret compartment in that mind of His that we don't know of. For some reason, that spoke to me in a way that I don't think anything else could have in that moment.
So.
I don't know why exactly it is that I'm letting everybody know about what happened to me last week. What I do know is that God is doing a work in my life. I've felt a stirring within my soul for a couple of months, and my Bootsie says that this experience has been a preparatory storm in my life for what God is wanting to accomplish in me.
I know that I can't "save" the whole world. But I also know that God has placed a deeper desire for those that are lost and without Christ in my heart that I haven't felt before. I will continue to pray every day for this frail teenage boy and his mama, because they're close to my heart now. I may never know what the outcome of my prayers are, but I don't have to. All I can do now is pray, and that's ok. God's word tells me that, sometimes, that's all we're to do. Sometimes. Other times, we have bigger parts to play. I'm more open to that than ever.
I hope somebody else may find comfort in this. If you do, let me know. We can pray for each other, the world, and those individuals he places on our hearts together.
And one more thing . . .
God, Jesus, the Bible . . . if these things aren't something you're familiar with and you want to figure all of this out, please send me a message through Facebook or to my email address: paigestewart0120@hotmail.com. What you find out will change your life. I promise.
Love y'all.
Paige
